Maybe

I disappointed too many people. They gave me trust and love. I could not give them trust and love back. It was easy to make them start to love me. It was hard for me to love them back. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t confident. I could not devote myself to them. But my desire that I want to be loved never left me. I sometimes feel that no one has ever loved me from my childhood. I was afraid of me disappointing people. I was afraid of them betraying me. I was afraid that I might believe their lies. My voice got quieter and quieter. I just showed smiley face because I did not want to look like aggressive or indifferent person at least. I was scared to go deeper inside of their mind because it might make me important person to them. Someone told me that I should be more open-minded. Maybe I should have opened my mind.

Every day I think of her who I used to one-sided love when I was teenager. I barely talked with her in school. Once or twice. I just feel like I still love her. Or I might just want to believe I do. I might have loved her from there all my life. I want to believe that all the scattered and broken pieces will be put together if only I can feel true love. I’ve seen her many times only in my dreams. I want to meet her in real again. The time may come eventually. Until then, sadness is my best friend. Someone said sadness is only pure beautifulness. Maybe I just want to believe it.

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