Guilt

When I was 13 years old, I used to text with a girl who was my friend’s ex-girlfriend. I used my folder phone to send messages back and forth. I don’t remember how I got her number. I probably got it from my another friend’s phone book. I don’t know why I got interested in her, and I remember introducing myself to her as his ex-boyfriend’s friend. She was going to different school. I saw her face only once at a glance in a picture so I didn’t know how she looked like. We kinda flirted in that age level everyday for few months. We were open to each other as we were getting to know each other’s different gender. I don’t remember what I told her and what she told me, but the feeling of that time is still remained in me. Every message was naive and pure. I once asked her to send me her face of photo and she did. Her face on a photo was half-blocked by her phone taken in the bathroom with the cute pink hood sweatshirt. I was really immersed into her whether she is pretty or not. I really wanted to meet her outside of text message. My genuine and pure curiosity toward a girl was developing in that age, actively dreaming of love in every night in my days. It was not even about having a sex. My heart got touched by something whenever I thought of her. As I look back now, the moment every boy experience in that age was happening to me with her. Then the tragedy happened.

I accidentally dropped my phone into the toilet. I think I slipped the phone after washing my hands or face. I promptly took the phone out of it with sinking feeling but it was too late. It seemed everything was over when I dropped it in water. My phone was not turning on and responding at all. I tried to dry my phone with hair dryer and it didn’t help either. I could not talk to her. I did not memorize her number. There was no other way to contact her without my phone. Since the phone is just broken, I couldn’t pull out any phone number or photos from it. They said it would cost more money to fix the phone so it would be better to just buy a new phone. And I even had to change my number to buy the new phone cheaply because it was my fault to drop the phone into toilet. Maybe I was not thinking well enough. I couldn’t insist on keeping the number, and maybe I wasn’t sure if she was gonna text me back. I wanted to talk to her again but it was just the way it was. I couldn’t reach her. I didn’t know where she was living. I didn’t do anything particular to find her honestly. It might be because I did not want to meet her that enough. Or I was too young to acknowledge and express what my mind say to me. I don’t know why I did not try to find her number. It was my friend’s ex-girlfriend after all. I think I just spent my days in a dull state. I don’t have a memory how I was after that. I’m the person who just disappeared and ran away from her point of view.

I probably had a fear understanding my emotional state. It was probably a good timing to just run away from her which was everything I loved and feared. I believe I liked texting, and I was quite good at flirting through texting messages with girls before I started to talk to her. I can’t talk to girls through text messages anymore. Now, I don’t know what to say and I worry about everything. The guilt I have toward spectral figure of her in the photo she sent me put my pounding heart on the brake every time I see another girl in my phone.

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