It is coming close to him. He has been waiting for that meeting with both expectation and anxiety for years. The question which was never answered started to crawl to his skin again. Is he prepared for it? He can’t remember when was the last time he thought of that question. I don’t know, he thought. He has been trying a bit, probably some more, on his own, but he isn’t sure if he can do it well. He tells himself that he should stay positive. He can give up everything to make that meeting right. Even the food or water could be given up now and then. There is no going back for him. Trying to remember when he was running gave him a lesson that he can rely on. Just few more steps and steps to go above the limit to make running better could be applied to this matter as well. He decided to stay patient thinking of the meeting only until it finally arrive to him.
She doesn’t act cute, but she is always cute when there is even no sign of emotion on her face. The cute and small girls seem to belong to another creature. She was like a smoke. It looks like she is there so I stretch my hand to touch it but it is not there. There is nothing. It is hard to figure out what she really is. A liar or a monster would be the words to describe her. My heart gets heavy just by thinking of her. When I happen to talk about her, I become a burden to myself. I make myself tired. I’ve been trying to forget her for way too long time. I’ve been suffering from her traces left on my eyes of view top side. I tortured myself. It feels to me that I can still see her. Just a feeling. Her voice would reach me in a blink of eyes. I used to find myself lying on my bed every night, hugging her figure which is non-existent, waiting for the phone to ring. But now I know how to stop myself right before where I feel myself heavy.
I can’t catch you. You are too fast. You make me want to catch you. Then you run away from me again. You laugh at me. I just want to be with you… I will just stand here to pretend I don’t care catching you. I really want to go follow you again but I try to be patient. How will you react? I’m worried that you might just leave. But I’m surprised that you come close to me. The girl who was running like a bunny is now standing next to me. I slowly stretch my arm to catch you. Your shoulder is soft and warm. You are not looking at me, but I know you are feeling me too. I caught you, so you are mine now.
He hugged her from behind. She was looking outside through the transparent glass. He looked at her slightly blushed left face.
“You’re so cute,” said the man.
She smiled shyly. Then she opened the door and went outside. He followed her, but she was gone. The ground is sandy. There were stairs to underground place in front of him. The sky was bright but where he stood was shadowy because of small old houses surrounding him. He took a path to the stairs. As he reached the underground after walking down a long and dark round stair, his phone rang. He picked up the phone. It was her.
“I’m on the ground. Come and see me,” she said.
“Okay. I will be there.”
He hung up the phone. Another stair was in front of him. When he took a first step on stairs, something flashed through his mind. It wasn’t a voice. He did not understand where it was coming from. It gave him two options and he felt that he had to make a choice between them. First one was that he cannot have sex with her, but he can be with her and protect her forever. The second option was that he can have sex with her, but she can have sex with all other men too.
He says, “You can just say hi or how are you to girls and go. You can do it to any girls wherever you are at. You don’t have to go out with them. Just say hi. Tell them you are beautiful, I like your clothes. Then you can make girls laugh. If you can make them laugh, they will like you. It’s that simple and easy.”
The way you look at me is so lovely. What you say has love for me. It’s the real love. It’s unmistakable. I don’t need to ask you if you love me. The way we joke and laugh together is natural. I never thought we were this close. It is like we have been together forever. Whatever I do, I know you will understand me. Can I be happy this much?
I wake up lying in my bed alone. I’m disenchanted. But I’m glad that I could love with you in my life.
I don’t even know why I play with you. You are so annoying and toxic sometimes. I’m not sure if you are an idiot who thinks you are smarter than everyone. You don’t respect me, and you ignore me. You may say you don’t ignore me. But I can’t stand your arrogance anymore. I’m not your servant or subordinate who should follow everything you say. I want to raise my voice because I have my opinions too. I know you want to play leader among us but there is no leader if I just leave you. I said that I won’t be available next time to test you. You asked what time I would be available and you can delay or adjust time to later. It makes me feel a bit you care me. I’ll probably give you one more chance. I will see how you do to me. Don’t forget that I’m the last person who would still stay with you.
I will not try to fight destiny anymore. Everything I wanted to say and everything I was about to say will remain silent. Instead, I leave the lies that I will forget you. I just want to wait for you to come back even though it is the endless waiting. I want to return everything to the beginning. It would have been better if I could be more brave. I think your silence means the end of everything. Please don’t be like that. Don’t look at me with that empty eyes. It hurts so much than I imagined. Nothing will hurt me more than this. Don’t worry about being hurt anymore. I hope you meet a good man. I truly hope you be happy with him. Forget me in the rest of your life.
I could not tip for the pizza delivery guy because I ran out of money. He looks like he wants to say something. He stops for a sec, as if he is checking something, before he pulls out the pizza from his bag. His face looks stiff and unfriendly. His voice is not bright when he says, “Here you are.” I was expecting it but it is more than I thought. When he hands me pizza, I say thank you and turn around right away. I feel like he will be standing there staring at me even after I leave with my pizza.
I’m sprinting for 30 seconds for 5 sets. I shouldn’t stop before I reach 30 seconds no matter what. I sprint as fast as I can for the 5th set. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. All I care is breathing. I sit. Then I need to walk. I can’t think. But I’m thinking something. The regrets. Annoying regrets make me anxious. Why. What do I want to say? Someday, one of us will die. I want to love that I don’t regret when I look back our past. I want to give you love as much as I can so that we don’t regret when one of us leave this world.