Your hands touch your fringe. Your eyes don’t look at me. Anxious look of you. Your trembling eyes trying to hold the tears look like you lost something. It’s like a little child who can’t find parents in the middle of the park. I can see your corners of lips going down. Your face that tries not to cry makes my heart hurt. Your smile would mean that you want me to think you are fine. But your eyes are still moist like a small puddle in rainy day. If I get swayed here, would you burst into tears or would you never look at me?
I vowed to myself that I will give my heart only to her. I was giving her the look of my weakness. I should have said it. I was writing down what I was never going to say to her. The world was going to be ours if I could give my love to her. But she did not show up to our words. The regret and anger. Under the chilly night, the tears flow from my eyes. I cover my eyes with my hands and look up the sky. Was my life a lie? The way back to my home seems unfaililar. I smile with bitterness and call her name without the sound.
I believe we will never be apart. Wait for me little bit more. My mind is in a rush. The pressure keeps me distracted. I believe you. It’s the only feeling I’m living on. Tell me you believe me too. I won’t be able to find a girl like you. Tell me you will be mine. Take my dream and take my whole world. Show me your heart and show me your dream. May I stay with you? May I show you my everything? Would you still love me? Please be my only one person for my life.
I said I will still only love you in next life. I will find you wherever you are at. You might say how I can recognize you but I know I won’t be able to help loving you. Whoever I meet in next life, I will be able to find you. I will feel and know it is you. I’m feeling that we are always meant to be. I promise you with my all heart that I will never forget you when I’m born again.
When my life gets dried, you come to me as a rain to pour on my heart. We are only thinking of each other. We are not so close and not so far. I whisper to you but I can’t say I love you. I’m afraid we might get farther away in an unstoppable time. We are just standing under the lights in lonely street missing each other.
Who is jumping on my bed to wake me up? My door is locked so no one can come in my room. I’m lying down sideway so I see my lamp and desk. Am I still dreaming? Is this what I heard of before? I cannot move my body. I have to get out of here. I’m trying to move my arms. I even make a sound in my mouth to put energy on my arms. As I put more energy on it, I feel something is getting close to me from behind. I finally get out of it. Well no one is in my room. That was weird. I’m so tired. I want to go back to sleep. But when I close my eyes, someone keeps talking to me.
When I kiss you, I feel everything is alright. We already know we love each other. I feel you are accepting me. I stop kissing you and look into your eyes. The face of you wanting me has me love you more. I reply with a kiss that I will always be here with you.
It’s hard to not being myself. People say you should find who you really are but I can’t find my true self. I just need more time to think as I get to know someone because then I have been too far away from who I think I am. I know how I can be unacceptable to people. Then it hurts to think it will not be same as before. The way it looked beautiful cannot be beautiful anymore. I just cannot take not being myself. But I really want you to still love me. More than anyone else you love in the world.
I see the red flower bent its head. I raise its head with my hand to make it look at me. It is cuter and more beautiful as I look at it closer. After a while, I let it leave from my hand. The red flower bend its head again. So I raise its head to see it again. Then I see its torn petal and wide spread pollen. My mind gets heavier as I have to leave the red flower in the rain.
I walk into the darkness. It seems nothing is in there. I knew what I was looking for in here but I couldn’t tell anyone about it and I already forgot my purpose. I don’t even know if I can make it bright. Now I feel that I might not have to shine it. Maybe I didn’t come into it to feel the pride. I would just have to be absorbed to it. I might have come into darkness to become a darkness itself so that I can live this world.