For One Only

I wish my sad feeling is wrong. If I find out our love is in vain… Wait for me where you can see the ocean. The fog will disappear soon. Everything will be clear then. I will embrace the past sadness. If I reflect on your lonely eyes, will you come to me? Won’t you look at me if only a lot of time pass? The one I will stay with forever is only you.

I’m Back

Hi. How are you doing? I graduated army basic training and advanced individual training few weeks ago. Each was 9 weeks. It sucked. I was always sleepy and tired with so much stress. I will never go back.

When I was in field training in basic training, I read the scribbling from public field latrine. It said, the basic training worths going through one time in a life. That remained in my head, so I just endured it and finally met the end. It is hard time that I don’t even wanna remember anymore.

When I look back my writings of 8 momths, it’s obvious that I was in a sadness for a long time. It’s the sadness about love. I was soaked into my world. I loved inside my world. I loved the women there. I made up a lot of women based on the past memory. It seems the built world has some sort of sadness as well as hapiness. The sad part was always sweet although it starts to hurt when it exceed the certain point. I wasn’t brave enough to open my heart to real people and girls. As I meet more people, I get to know the real girls too. I noticed the girls have thier own worlds. I knew they have it but I truly felt it this time. Their worlds are much stronger than mine. It’s more defensive. It’s surrounded by the thick and high walls. I peeked through the wall crack. It feels more sad than mine although both basic structures are different. It may be because they feel more anxiety and fear.

My sadness doesn’t feel that big compare to them. It feels as if I just have to suck it up. I don’t have much experience with the girls. Those girls I was with used to swim in my head with sorrow. Nowadays, I don’t want to jump into that water to swim with them anymore. Where am I thinking now? I wonder what I wished for and why I struggled by missing and wishing them.

I’m changing little by little. I learn those lessons slow which most people learn them naturally and quickly. Now I have works to do. I will write some more poems probably. I hope it is healthier than what I used to write. Maybe it is less sad than before.

Our Secret

They are colleagues in company. No one knows they are couple. They are in love. They sometimes looked oddly friendly to each other. It is good to be communicative and cooperative for better work performance, but some think it might not be good to be too close because they can ruin office atmosphere or teamwork once they break up. Some thought that there is something between them. It’s their secret for now.

It’s time to get off work. He wants to see her later. Before she leaves office, she goes close to him naturally and quickly. She secretly whispers in his left ear when nobody sees them. “I will see you tonight.” One glance at his face and his ears turned red. she turned around and walked to the door.

Thoughts On Feelimn

I’m not center of Feelimn online gallery. I’m not an important part. Feelimn don’t exist without artists and their artworks. No one seems to be interested in Feelimn now. Artists might be truly busy to find job and money. Feelimn is online gallery where artists upload their artworks, and patrons support their art making monetarily. I created it for the artists. They don’t have to pay money to upload their artworks. I started this idea because I loved to feel emotions like everyone does. As I write down the emotional scenes that artists can refer to, I’m happy that I can be a center in my blog with my writings.

But I began to think I may be wrong. I’m not professional art dealer. I don’t know how artists think of online gallery. Artists would have their own reason to draw and paint. They need to earn money by selling their artworks. No one would want to draw for others for free. If I’m an artists, would I want to draw someone else’s world for him? I’m not sure. I don’t have money to commission them to draw what I want. My writings are abstract and specific at the same time. Who should artists draw from that situation? I think I’m requesting too much.

I love to write emotional moments and scenes. It is like short stories. I get out of my reality and go into imaginary situations. I should focus on people and situation to describe small details. I love to catch and write it down. It is sometimes personal or general, and sometimes it is my fantasy of wishes. Or it is regret and jealousy. I get the ideas from many things. As I make scene, I like to substitute girl in the situation wishing to attract her into my life. Also I like seeing the happenings such as behaviors, gestures, talking, looking, and facial expressions. After all, the facial expression is the key which is derived from powerful emotion. The situation that people would nod their heads because they get to understand the emotion itself. I don’t have many friends, so I don’t interact with people well. People could say that I have a problem in making relationship with them. So it might be the reason why I like to write these emotional moments which I can rarely find in real life.

As I keep writing and try harder, I’ve come to think of Feelimn more than before. I kind of lose the purpose or identity of why I do this since there are no artists who are willing to upload artworks in Feelimn. There are endless moments. I have a passion. But I’m not sure where I’m going. I won’t give up on writing. I think it will be just less frequent. I genuinely appreciate everyone who reads my posts. Thank you.

The Funniest Part in Baseball Match

Perky baseball game is going on. The end of season is getting close. It’s Houston Astros v New York Yankees. In 7th inning, Astros is on batting to hit the ball. Yankees pitcher’s specialty is curve ball. Batter is on 2 balls and 1 strike. Pitcher threw curve ball one more time. Umpire called it strike.

Batter reacts promptly to his decision. That wasn’t a strike from his view. He believes he has the best batting eye. He was thinking it is not umpire’s first mistake, so he complains pointing his finger at catcher’s mitt. The umpire is straight looking back at him. One chubby guy seating behind Astros’s bench and eating his nachos grinned watching them.

The Life of a Painter

There is a painter. He always loved painting from his childhood. When he became 20 years old, he told his father that he wanted to be a painter. His father opposed his decision, and did not try to listen to him. His father said if he wants to be a painter, he will have to leave the home. So he left. He could rent a small apartment with his savings. Then he doesn’t have any money. He started part-time jobs in restaurant and store to keep on painting. His passion never run away. He published his paintings, but no one cared in the beginning.

His first painting is submitted to auction house. Anonymous buyer bought his painting with $30,000. He was surprised and happy that someone recognized the value of his artworks. He wanted to know who the buyer is, but he could not find him. This was spread to all buyers and they got interested in his paintings. More people tried to buy his paintings as well believing it has something.