For One Only

I wish my sad feeling is wrong. If I find out our love is in vain… Wait for me where you can see the ocean. The fog will disappear soon. Everything will be clear then. I will embrace the past sadness. If I reflect on your lonely eyes, will you come to me? Won’t you look at me if only a lot of time pass? The one I will stay with forever is only you.

I’m Back

Hi. How are you doing? I graduated army basic training and advanced individual training few weeks ago. Each was 9 weeks. It sucked. I was always sleepy and tired with so much stress. I will never go back.

When I was in field training in basic training, I read the scribbling from public field latrine. It said, the basic training worths going through one time in a life. That remained in my head, so I just endured it and finally met the end. It is hard time that I don’t even wanna remember anymore.

When I look back my writings of 8 momths, it’s obvious that I was in a sadness for a long time. It’s the sadness about love. I was soaked into my world. I loved inside my world. I loved the women there. I made up a lot of women based on the past memory. It seems the built world has some sort of sadness as well as hapiness. The sad part was always sweet although it starts to hurt when it exceed the certain point. I wasn’t brave enough to open my heart to real people and girls. As I meet more people, I get to know the real girls too. I noticed the girls have thier own worlds. I knew they have it but I truly felt it this time. Their worlds are much stronger than mine. It’s more defensive. It’s surrounded by the thick and high walls. I peeked through the wall crack. It feels more sad than mine although both basic structures are different. It may be because they feel more anxiety and fear.

My sadness doesn’t feel that big compare to them. It feels as if I just have to suck it up. I don’t have much experience with the girls. Those girls I was with used to swim in my head with sorrow. Nowadays, I don’t want to jump into that water to swim with them anymore. Where am I thinking now? I wonder what I wished for and why I struggled by missing and wishing them.

I’m changing little by little. I learn those lessons slow which most people learn them naturally and quickly. Now I have works to do. I will write some more poems probably. I hope it is healthier than what I used to write. Maybe it is less sad than before.

Taking A Break

Hi. I’m Feelimn Hunter. My name is Ray. I’m taking a break from posting emotional scenes because I’m going to army basic training in July 31st. In fact, I was supposed to go to basic training 2 years ago, but army enhanced background investigation so my ship date has been delayed until now. I will not talk about my situation specifically because it’s quite complicated story. The time has finally come to me. There won’t be a new post from me for a while. I have been posting feelings, emotions, and scenes almost everyday for around 8 months. It was usually one post per day. While I was waiting for my army investigation to be over for 2 years, I spent first one year thinking and making my first art website. You can visit here feelimn. Then, I decided to write subjects for painters which turned out as emotional scenes that I’ve been writing everyday in here WordPress blog. Therefore, emotional scenes were my posts. But soon I became skeptical.

You can read here how my thoughts on feelimn art website changed. The idea of categorizing basic emotions of Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, Disgust, Surprise, Circumstantial, and A blend of 2 or more was not convincing to artists. As I keep writing emotional scenes in my mind, I found that I was expecting too much from artists. Making a playground for artists was my vague goal. It was frustrating to realize that I was having a vain purpose. However, I did not stop writing emotional scenes since then. It was fun to create images with words. I started to like writing them. They consist of my imaginations, experiences, dreams, and wishful thoughts of fantasy. Finding a certain emotion gave me a huge pleasure although some could be seen important to only my eyes. At first, they were just 1 or 2 sentences. For example, it was like she is saying, “I believe your love won’t leave me. You are not lying to me.” I thought this would be something any man would want to hear from his girl, which I actually wanted to hear from a girl seeing her sincere face. I was desperate for love. I promised to myself that I will write one scene per day. I mostly kept the promise. Recently, I could not keep my promise because it was hard to focus on describing emotions due to my concern of entering basic training.

I prefer simple, honest, and direct writings than symbols and metaphors. They are relatable and understandable, so I simply used he and she as subject. It is something readers can relate them to their lives. It’s because I wanted real and raw feelings that we easily encounter. Even though it looks timid, it should be realistic. My style is usually male first-person narrator’s point of view and sometimes omniscient point of view. My scenes are little bit far from poem. I like writing sadness. I love when there is sad vibe in the scene. Thus, it is usually conclusive. It feels more genuine to me. Each post has different short story. I didn’t mean to write about love a lot, but I found that my writings were usually about love. There are also other scenes that are not about love though. When some ideas come to my head, I judge them if it’s worth writing at least one sentence. I’m sure most of my posts’ emotional scenes I caught are worth feeling actively imagining facial expressions that stimulate our feelings. There are some scenes that I enjoy reading over and over again. It is hard to look into my certain emotion in my heart that hurts me, but I like some of the posts derived from that pain. My first post that I was proud of myself was Everything. This is the moment of having first sex with a girlfriend and the flowing real, twisted, and sad emotions in his mind. It is not my experience but imagination. I just liked the emotion in this scene so much.

At some point, I started to write longer than 1 or 2 sentences. I wanted to write more of scenes like Everything. My everyday writing became my work and practice. I considered writing scenes as a way to improve myself and find the value of life. It seemed they are for something. I wasn’t sure where I was heading, and I’m still not sure where I’m at with my scenes. How many more do I want to write? I wonder if I could write a long novel, manuscript, screenplay, or scenario to make them into footage. These are too short that it even feels like a shame sometimes. Here are some of my favorite scene lists.

The Funniest Part in Baseball Match
Meet Her in a Dream
Bullies Get Owned
At The End
When Do We Meet Again?
Her Reason
Loneliness
Friend
Please
Younger Brother
Dusk
When He Loved Me
I Loved You
Just Once
First Love
Resignation
Love Alone
Choices
Catch
Cool Down
First Date
Rupture
Girl
Angel
Missing
Spoil

No need to read all the scenes I listed here. I’ve been thinking about extending some of these scenes to longer stories. However, I’m not sure if I will keep writing the scenes on and on. After I finish my basic training, I would have to choose my career path because I’m planning to go back to university that I left absence behind 2 years ago. When I look back my experience as a blogger in this community, I’m so glad that I began writing. It was fun. I’ve found many talented and passionate writers. I should have interacted with more people engaging on their posts and praising their creativity that deserve recognition. Silly me, I couldn’t afford to do it. The person who digs the sadness and loneliness can’t find the space in heart to express and deeply love someone else. I love writing but it doesn’t give me money. Going to basic training makes me happy and sad at the same time. I wish I could come back with more ideas. It was very pleasant to know that there were few people at least who were reading my posts. I always appreciate everyone and you for reading my writing.

Our Secret

They are colleagues in company. No one knows they are couple. They are in love. They sometimes looked oddly friendly to each other. It is good to be communicative and cooperative for better work performance, but some think it might not be good to be too close because they can ruin office atmosphere or teamwork once they break up. Some thought that there is something between them. It’s their secret for now.

It’s time to get off work. He wants to see her later. Before she leaves office, she goes close to him naturally and quickly. She secretly whispers in his left ear when nobody sees them. “I will see you tonight.” One glance at his face and his ears turned red. she turned around and walked to the door.

Thoughts On Feelimn

I’m not center of Feelimn online gallery. I’m not an important part. Feelimn don’t exist without artists and their artworks. No one seems to be interested in Feelimn now. Artists might be truly busy to find job and money. Feelimn is online gallery where artists upload their artworks, and patrons support their art making monetarily. I created it for the artists. They don’t have to pay money to upload their artworks. I started this idea because I loved to feel emotions like everyone does. As I write down the emotional scenes that artists can refer to, I’m happy that I can be a center in my blog with my writings.

But I began to think I may be wrong. I’m not professional art dealer. I don’t know how artists think of online gallery. Artists would have their own reason to draw and paint. They need to earn money by selling their artworks. No one would want to draw for others for free. If I’m an artists, would I want to draw someone else’s world for him? I’m not sure. I don’t have money to commission them to draw what I want. My writings are abstract and specific at the same time. Who should artists draw from that situation? I think I’m requesting too much.

I love to write emotional moments and scenes. It is like short stories. I get out of my reality and go into imaginary situations. I should focus on people and situation to describe small details. I love to catch and write it down. It is sometimes personal or general, and sometimes it is my fantasy of wishes. Or it is regret and jealousy. I get the ideas from many things. As I make scene, I like to substitute girl in the situation wishing to attract her into my life. Also I like seeing the happenings such as behaviors, gestures, talking, looking, and facial expressions. After all, the facial expression is the key which is derived from powerful emotion. The situation that people would nod their heads because they get to understand the emotion itself. I don’t have many friends, so I don’t interact with people well. People could say that I have a problem in making relationship with them. So it might be the reason why I like to write these emotional moments which I can rarely find in real life.

As I keep writing and try harder, I’ve come to think of Feelimn more than before. I kind of lose the purpose or identity of why I do this since there are no artists who are willing to upload artworks in Feelimn. There are endless moments. I have a passion. But I’m not sure where I’m going. I won’t give up on writing. I think it will be just less frequent. I genuinely appreciate everyone who reads my posts. Thank you.

Bullies Get Owned

He is walking down the street to go back to home. It’s cloudy in late afternoon. He finds his younger brother getting beaten up by two guys. His eyes wide opened with outrage, and he rushed to them. His intuition tell him that they are the reason why his brother was intimidated lately.

Tremulous

He is sitting next to bed where his father is lying down. He holds his father’s hand tight. The doctor who is standing next to him declared the time of death. He bursts into tears looking at his father whose eyes are closed. He mumbles inaudible words as he lowers his head. His body is tremulous.

The Funniest Part in Baseball Match

Perky baseball game is going on. The end of season is getting close. It’s Houston Astros v New York Yankees. In 7th inning, Astros is on batting to hit the ball. Yankees pitcher’s specialty is curve ball. Batter is on 2 balls and 1 strike. Pitcher threw curve ball one more time. Umpire called it strike.

Batter reacts promptly to his decision. That wasn’t a strike from his view. He believes he has the best batting eye. He was thinking it is not umpire’s first mistake, so he complains pointing his finger at catcher’s mitt. The umpire is straight looking back at him. One chubby guy seating behind Astros’s bench and eating his nachos grinned watching them.

The Life of a Painter

There is a painter. He always loved painting from his childhood. When he became 20 years old, he told his father that he wanted to be a painter. His father opposed his decision, and did not try to listen to him. His father said if he wants to be a painter, he will have to leave the home. So he left. He could rent a small apartment with his savings. Then he doesn’t have any money. He started part-time jobs in restaurant and store to keep on painting. His passion never run away. He published his paintings, but no one cared in the beginning.

His first painting is submitted to auction house. Anonymous buyer bought his painting with $30,000. He was surprised and happy that someone recognized the value of his artworks. He wanted to know who the buyer is, but he could not find him. This was spread to all buyers and they got interested in his paintings. More people tried to buy his paintings as well believing it has something.

Crying

A girl informed her boyfriend that she doesn’t want to see him anymore. She wants to end relationship because she is sick of him. He could not stop flowing tears and about to cry out loud standing in front of her.

She told her friends later that it was his best looking moment she has ever seen. She fell in love with him again.