Sad Fate

The girl who giggles as I come in. Time is too short. But I fell in love. I want to know you. Your laugh mingles with my silly joke. The young girl who Laughs like an old woman. I don’t even know your name yet.

Look at me and open your eyes. I want to know everything about you. But I don’t know what to ask. Time is too short. I want to remember you. I will remember you. I wish the tip of my fingers remember your skin. Nothing is permanent, even you.

I don’t have a power to save you. I hate myself. I don’t know what I can do for you. This should be the end, says another part of my life. Run away. Stop it while you can. Everything was wrong from the beginning. The tricks and me. We all shall be forgotten.

I’m Back

Hi. How are you doing? I graduated army basic training and advanced individual training few weeks ago. Each was 9 weeks. It sucked. I was always sleepy and tired with so much stress. I will never go back.

When I was in field training in basic training, I read the scribbling from public field latrine. It said, the basic training worths going through one time in a life. That remained in my head, so I just endured it and finally met the end. It is hard time that I don’t even wanna remember anymore.

When I look back my writings of 8 momths, it’s obvious that I was in a sadness for a long time. It’s the sadness about love. I was soaked into my world. I loved inside my world. I loved the women there. I made up a lot of women based on the past memory. It seems the built world has some sort of sadness as well as hapiness. The sad part was always sweet although it starts to hurt when it exceed the certain point. I wasn’t brave enough to open my heart to real people and girls. As I meet more people, I get to know the real girls too. I noticed the girls have thier own worlds. I knew they have it but I truly felt it this time. Their worlds are much stronger than mine. It’s more defensive. It’s surrounded by the thick and high walls. I peeked through the wall crack. It feels more sad than mine although both basic structures are different. It may be because they feel more anxiety and fear.

My sadness doesn’t feel that big compare to them. It feels as if I just have to suck it up. I don’t have much experience with the girls. Those girls I was with used to swim in my head with sorrow. Nowadays, I don’t want to jump into that water to swim with them anymore. Where am I thinking now? I wonder what I wished for and why I struggled by missing and wishing them.

I’m changing little by little. I learn those lessons slow which most people learn them naturally and quickly. Now I have works to do. I will write some more poems probably. I hope it is healthier than what I used to write. Maybe it is less sad than before.

Taking A Break

Hi. I’m Feelimn Hunter. My name is Ray. I’m taking a break from posting emotional scenes because I’m going to army basic training in July 31st. In fact, I was supposed to go to basic training 2 years ago, but army enhanced background investigation so my ship date has been delayed until now. I will not talk about my situation specifically because it’s quite complicated story. The time has finally come to me. There won’t be a new post from me for a while. I have been posting feelings, emotions, and scenes almost everyday for around 8 months. It was usually one post per day. While I was waiting for my army investigation to be over for 2 years, I spent first one year thinking and making my first art website. You can visit here feelimn. Then, I decided to write subjects for painters which turned out as emotional scenes that I’ve been writing everyday in here WordPress blog. Therefore, emotional scenes were my posts. But soon I became skeptical.

You can read here how my thoughts on feelimn art website changed. The idea of categorizing basic emotions of Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, Disgust, Surprise, Circumstantial, and A blend of 2 or more was not convincing to artists. As I keep writing emotional scenes in my mind, I found that I was expecting too much from artists. Making a playground for artists was my vague goal. It was frustrating to realize that I was having a vain purpose. However, I did not stop writing emotional scenes since then. It was fun to create images with words. I started to like writing them. They consist of my imaginations, experiences, dreams, and wishful thoughts of fantasy. Finding a certain emotion gave me a huge pleasure although some could be seen important to only my eyes. At first, they were just 1 or 2 sentences. For example, it was like she is saying, “I believe your love won’t leave me. You are not lying to me.” I thought this would be something any man would want to hear from his girl, which I actually wanted to hear from a girl seeing her sincere face. I was desperate for love. I promised to myself that I will write one scene per day. I mostly kept the promise. Recently, I could not keep my promise because it was hard to focus on describing emotions due to my concern of entering basic training.

I prefer simple, honest, and direct writings than symbols and metaphors. They are relatable and understandable, so I simply used he and she as subject. It is something readers can relate them to their lives. It’s because I wanted real and raw feelings that we easily encounter. Even though it looks timid, it should be realistic. My style is usually male first-person narrator’s point of view and sometimes omniscient point of view. My scenes are little bit far from poem. I like writing sadness. I love when there is sad vibe in the scene. Thus, it is usually conclusive. It feels more genuine to me. Each post has different short story. I didn’t mean to write about love a lot, but I found that my writings were usually about love. There are also other scenes that are not about love though. When some ideas come to my head, I judge them if it’s worth writing at least one sentence. I’m sure most of my posts’ emotional scenes I caught are worth feeling actively imagining facial expressions that stimulate our feelings. There are some scenes that I enjoy reading over and over again. It is hard to look into my certain emotion in my heart that hurts me, but I like some of the posts derived from that pain. My first post that I was proud of myself was Everything. This is the moment of having first sex with a girlfriend and the flowing real, twisted, and sad emotions in his mind. It is not my experience but imagination. I just liked the emotion in this scene so much.

At some point, I started to write longer than 1 or 2 sentences. I wanted to write more of scenes like Everything. My everyday writing became my work and practice. I considered writing scenes as a way to improve myself and find the value of life. It seemed they are for something. I wasn’t sure where I was heading, and I’m still not sure where I’m at with my scenes. How many more do I want to write? I wonder if I could write a long novel, manuscript, screenplay, or scenario to make them into footage. These are too short that it even feels like a shame sometimes. Here are some of my favorite scene lists.

The Funniest Part in Baseball Match
Meet Her in a Dream
Bullies Get Owned
At The End
When Do We Meet Again?
Her Reason
Loneliness
Friend
Please
Younger Brother
Dusk
When He Loved Me
I Loved You
Just Once
First Love
Resignation
Love Alone
Choices
Catch
Cool Down
First Date
Rupture
Girl
Angel
Missing
Spoil

No need to read all the scenes I listed here. I’ve been thinking about extending some of these scenes to longer stories. However, I’m not sure if I will keep writing the scenes on and on. After I finish my basic training, I would have to choose my career path because I’m planning to go back to university that I left absence behind 2 years ago. When I look back my experience as a blogger in this community, I’m so glad that I began writing. It was fun. I’ve found many talented and passionate writers. I should have interacted with more people engaging on their posts and praising their creativity that deserve recognition. Silly me, I couldn’t afford to do it. The person who digs the sadness and loneliness can’t find the space in heart to express and deeply love someone else. I love writing but it doesn’t give me money. Going to basic training makes me happy and sad at the same time. I wish I could come back with more ideas. It was very pleasant to know that there were few people at least who were reading my posts. I always appreciate everyone and you for reading my writing.

Spoil

Her purity and innocence break down. Her eyes are barely opened above her blushed cheeks. The reddish heat paint her blankly frowned face and clean white body. She feels his vigorous sight. Slightly opened mouth makes short and high pitched sound of crying repeatedly. She cannot resist herself anymore although she is thinking of going back to where everything was under her control. Both yes and no happen to her mind simultaneously which make her say yes and no frequently. She puts her left hand in front of her mouth unconsciously. The sweat on her temple and her panting show how hard she tried to please herself. Her hands naturally arrive to his thighs and arms. She promptly reacts to his every forceful but sweet words with submissive smile. She is not as same as the girl when he met for the first time. Everything of her purpose changed in 30 minutes that give him a feeling of dominance and triumph. She doesn’t look the same.

Missing

I miss you. Are we done? Did you really leave me? You don’t reply to my email anymore. I couldn’t live my life because I couldn’t forget you. Please don’t be disappointed to my foolish appearance. Every day in my life is meaningless without you. I can’t pass my day without tears. But are you really okay without me? Are you crying in someone else’s arms? Today, I found your cold medicine you left in my home. You used to catch a cold when the weather gets chilly. I’m worried about you, and I cannot stop thinking of you. My heart might explode now. I miss you so much. Don’t cry in anyone’s arms anymore. I will come for you.

Angel

You are an angel. The angel who is looking at my eyes of shame and saying it’s fine, is you. Do I deserve to be with an angel who hugs and soothes me with angelic smile on face? My firmly closed heart even impresses me. However, have I ever relied on someone like this before? I can’t take my eyes off you because I have to see your smile. It seems I can feel your smile. There won’t be a woman like you in the world. No, never. It’s because I have lived my whole life for this moment to be with you. Your beautiful and warm heart was waiting to be found. It took quite a long time for me to finally see you. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for believing me. I will protect your world forever.

Straight

He said, “I need to tell you something. You are so pretty. I want to spend the night with you. I know you are not like other girls. You are different and special. I have never said this to any other girls, but I want to have sex with you.”

She froze.

He grabbed her hand and said, “Let’s go.”

She follows him.

Girl

A shy but smart and dedicated little engineering girl. I like your smile and tail-colored hair. But your eyes are unforgettable. The sincerity of your words and considerate manner of your obscured pretending touch my heart and remain in it for a long time. If only I could be that person to someone. My apathy. My awkwardness that I have been living with. My old wish. The place that I have left open. Refreshing rain pouring on my dried heart by the cloud in hot summer sky. I want to become everything in the world for you. Just being with you like today is a huge pleasure that I can’t express. I wonder if you know that. We are young, but are we running out of time. We are slowly opening heart to each other. Our story is not over yet. Sad things look beautiful. In this endless meeting of people, madly I ended up meeting you in this foreign land. Let’s go on a journey to the star of splendor.