You didn’t seem reluctant when I went closer to you. You were slowly accepting me step by step. At least, I felt in that way. I’ve had imagined that moment endless times. You were pretty when you hesitate to show your everything. You tried to hide it at first but I knew you were gonna open your heart to me. When you finally showed me your everything, I thought of someone else. I thought of her and her boyfriend. I knew I would feel sad but I couldn’t help thinking of her. It made me more sad but at the same time I was enjoying myself. I looked at your face. You were looking through me with scared face. You sometimes just closed your eyes. You tried to smile at me but your face got serious again and again. I couldn’t think of her anymore. I was only looking at you.
I always wanted to be with her. She was looking at me in my dream last night. I couldn’t be brave to forget her. I trace my memory. Her every little movements are shortened. She is getting blurry. It is slowly fading away from memory. My figure that was only looking at you will soon naturally disappear like I forget my dream tomorrow.
I knew he loved me. I don’t know why he loved me. But I knew he would do anything for me. He only followed me. I liked how he was looking at me with his big eyes when I easily got mad at him. I irritated him. He didn’t know what to do when I was like that. I used his love to make him do as I said. I thought he will always love me.
He listened to me a lot. He tried to say something but he was too clumsy to express himself so I ignored him. I didn’t let him speak. I wanted him to only listen to me. I made him fool although he is not fool. I played with him often. He asked me to play together very often. He thought that I love him when I played with him happily. That would be the biggest reason he loved me. He needed protective love at his age.
I started to think he is too bright for me. I couldn’t handle him anymore. He sometimes got out of my hands. I think he loved me too much because he always sincerely fought me back on his way when I tried to control and refrain him. He reacted to me like it is the most important thing to him. Then it was easy for me to find how to hurt him. I decided to not play with him. I couldn’t enjoy playing with him. It started to get boring. I avoided him and I ignored him over and over again. He would have felt sadness and fear that I don’t love him anymore. He would have hated me as much as he loved me once. So he went to his friends. He made quite many friends. He wanted to be loved. He did the same to them as he did to me. He listened to them and he reacted to them. He believed that they will play with him if he keeps following them.
The person he loved did not love him back. He became insecure and unstable. He needed to find his figure and identity from others. He had to please others. He looked like a good person because he was quiet and he said yes all the time. He became very quiet. His voice became low. He was in fear. He wasted a lot of time to please others. After all he couldn’t have time to concern his own mind, school works, and all other interesting things. He didn’t find me when he was having a hard time. He and I never talked to each other anymore.
I thought he will come back to me someday. But he never came back. I thought we will talk together someday. But he left me. He might have found someone else replacing me. So I just left him too. We didn’t promise to see each other again. We were probably thinking each other that we hid deep inside of our minds. But we couldn’t find a way to get it out of our minds.
Time flew. Now I think that I loved him at that time. Thoe memories back in the day hurt me. Pain of regrets never get old. I think that I deserve to suffer because I hurted his heart too much. I don’t know how to beg for his forgiveness. I don’t think I should do it for myself to feel better. I don’t want to hurt him ever again. I know he cannot love me again like he used to love me. I still remember his love from long time ago. I don’t want him to do anything for me. I just want to see him again. That is all I want.
She said to him, “You are cute.”
Father orders his oldest son to hit his second oldest son’s head with hammer. Father pricks his son’s side face and side neck with sharp stick. The youngest son did something wrong. The oldest son hit his younger brother’s head with hammer. He does but father is not satisfied, so father stops his moves and glares him. Father pricks his first son’s neck and head more. The first son blames his brother in his mind for making sin.
He goes back to his room to lay down on bed. He blankly sees his books on bookshelf. Younger brother comes to him but he is still blaming and hating him. His younger brother seems rather sympathetic to him, not an appreciation or apology. Older brother is upset. He doesn’t talk anything to his younger brother. Younger brother doesn’t talk anything to him neither.
He decides to go play with his friends. His younger brother follows him. He is playing soccer with his friends. He enjoys it. His younger brother only stands there and watches him playing. He only plays with his friends. He doesn’t play with his younger brother. He ignores his brother. He feels tingly pain in his neck. He touches his neck and finds his blood on his hand.
His younger brother is lying on the grass. Blood is all around his brother’s body. Younger brother is covering his eyes and forehead with his right arm. So he stops everything and goes to his younger brother in shock. His mind is urgent. He lifts his younger brother’s small body with 2 hands. Younger brother whispers in low voice, “I don’t believe.”
He holds his younger brother and run. Younger brother is whispering but he can’t hear him. The voice is too low. He looks at his younger brother whose face is hidden in his younger brother’s arm. He entreatingly wants to tell his younger brother to look at his face. He entreatingly wants to say sorry to his younger brother.
“Do you hear from people that you talk much? You talk too much. Stop talking meaningless stuff.”
“I just feel comfortable with you.”
“If you don’t want to be uncomfortable with me, stop talking now.”
After a silent moment.
“I’m so sorry I talked like that to you. I felt like I was getting swamped to your words and questions. I overreacted.”
“It’s okay. Since you leave sooner than I thought, I just wanted to talk with you more.”
He is waiting at the airport gate 71A. The boarding time is up but staff announces that entering will be delayed because of maintenance. After 10 minutes, the staff announces good news that they are ready. He enters into airplane, and he takes sleeping pill as soon as he takes a sit. Then he listen to music that he has memory with her. The one song is set to play over and over. Tears fall from his closed eyes. After 1 hour, the airplane starts to shake. The airplane falls and crash. After a short moment of bright light and deafening sound, he is standing in front of her of the past at that time.
I’m not sure if we are just friend or what. The way you look at me confuses me. Please tell me. What are we?
I’m not a perfect person. I can’t be the person you want me to be. You know it. Please stop this. Look at my face. I’m just a lonely person like others. I’m not your such thing as destiny.
I wanted to reset my life. I believed I can just cleanse the past painful memory. I wanted to abandon everything and restart my life. I did it. But what I abandoned was the bond. I cut out the connection with people who I should appreciate them. I should have stood in pain until it pass, but I ran away from everyone.