Once my dream was becoming a movie director. My dad used to bring Hollywood movie dvd CD home in every weekend, and my family watched the movie together at night. I just told everyone that I will become a movie director someday. Movie was simply just my favorite thing in my life. One day, I felt movie is fake. It was not real. It sometimes ends too happily. It sometimes doesn’t end well. Regardless of how movie ends, it started to look like actors and actresses are lying. Movie was not realistic to me. Not a single movie gave me a hope to live better than yesterday. That was not how it worked to me. I watched a lot of movies. I couldn’t get into main character’s situation. I couldn’t enjoy movie itself. I don’t care what message the movie wants to deliver. I might think of the topic after finishing movie. The real life was different from movie. The real life is real. I would say that feeling is more related to our survival instinct. I wanted stronger feeling and emotion. It shouldn’t be a fake one. It shouldn’t be an acting. I can’t let myself feel the emotion that I don’t care anymore. And I’m too lazy. This is why I hope painters draw the facial expressions of real life people in his eyes. It’s because I can believe that they are real without a doubt. I don’t want to be deceived. Who would want to be deceived by paying money?

Then I watched a Japanese drama that someone recommended to me. It is old drama which was released in 2004. It’s called ‘Crying Out Love, in the Center of the World.’ Since I know some Japanese words, I believe I fully understand how the story goes(I had subtitle too). The story is simple. Long story short, the high school boy and girl love each other. Then a girl get leukemia. She gets sick day by day then a boy struggles to watch her dying. This is topic. She always wanted to watch the sky of Australia so they decide to take airplane together to get there. In airport she falls down, so he holds her and says in tears, “Please save her.” There are many scenes of him crying through out whole episodes of this drama, but I couldn’t resist crying in this scene. This drama and his acting changed my thoughts about acting. The way he cries would not mean real because the actress is actually not dying. She is acting dying. But it was still real for him. He was really and truly crying in his face. I know he is acting but it didn’t matter. Since he showed this much, it didn’t matter. It was enough. He showed enough. It became real in my mind.