When He Loved Me

I knew he loved me. I don’t know why he loved me. But I knew he would do anything for me. He only followed me. I liked how he was looking at me with his big eyes when I easily got mad at him. I irritated him. He didn’t know what to do when I was like that. I used his love to make him do as I said. I thought he will always love me.

He listened to me a lot. He tried to say something but he was too clumsy to express himself so I ignored him. I didn’t let him speak. I wanted him to only listen to me. I made him fool although he is not fool. I played with him often. He asked me to play together very often. He thought that I love him when I played with him happily. That would be the biggest reason he loved me. He needed protective love at his age.

I started to think he is too bright for me. I couldn’t handle him anymore. He sometimes got out of my hands. I think he loved me too much because he always sincerely fought me back on his way when I tried to control and refrain him. He reacted to me like it is the most important thing to him. Then it was easy for me to find how to hurt him. I decided to not play with him. I couldn’t enjoy playing with him. It started to get boring. I avoided him and I ignored him over and over again. He would have felt sadness and fear that I don’t love him anymore. He would have hated me as much as he loved me once. So he went to his friends. He made quite many friends. He wanted to be loved. He did the same to them as he did to me. He listened to them and he reacted to them. He believed that they will play with him if he keeps following them.

The person he loved did not love him back. He became insecure and unstable. He needed to find his figure and identity from others. He had to please others. He looked like a good person because he was quiet and he said yes all the time. He became very quiet. His voice became low. He was in fear. He wasted a lot of time to please others. After all he couldn’t have time to concern his own mind, school works, and all other interesting things. He didn’t find me when he was having a hard time. He and I never talked to each other anymore.

I thought he will come back to me someday. But he never came back. I thought we will talk together someday. But he left me. He might have found someone else replacing me. So I just left him too. We didn’t promise to see each other again. We were probably thinking each other that we hid deep inside of our minds. But we couldn’t find a way to get it out of our minds.

Time flew. Now I think that I loved him at that time. Thoe memories back in the day hurt me. Pain of regrets never get old. I think that I deserve to suffer because I hurted his heart too much. I don’t know how to beg for his forgiveness. I don’t think I should do it for myself to feel better. I don’t want to hurt him ever again. I know he cannot love me again like he used to love me. I still remember his love from long time ago. I don’t want him to do anything for me. I just want to see him again. That is all I want.

Thoughts on Acting

Once my dream was becoming a movie director. My dad used to bring Hollywood movie dvd CD home in every weekend, and my family watched the movie together at night. I just told everyone that I will become a movie director someday. Movie was simply just my favorite thing in my life. One day, I felt movie is fake. It was not real. It sometimes ends too happily. It sometimes doesn’t end well. Regardless of how movie ends, it started to look like actors and actresses are lying. Movie was not realistic to me. Not a single movie gave me a hope to live better than yesterday. That was not how it worked to me. I watched a lot of movies. I couldn’t get into main character’s situation. I couldn’t enjoy movie itself. I don’t care what message the movie wants to deliver. I might think of the topic after finishing movie. The real life was different from movie. The real life is real. I would say that feeling is more related to our survival instinct. I wanted stronger feeling and emotion. It shouldn’t be a fake one. It shouldn’t be an acting. I can’t let myself feel the emotion that I don’t care anymore. And I’m too lazy. This is why I hope painters draw the facial expressions of real life people in his eyes. It’s because I can believe that they are real without a doubt. I don’t want to be deceived. Who would want to be deceived by paying money?

Then I watched a Japanese drama that someone recommended to me. It is old drama which was released in 2004. It’s called ‘Crying Out Love, in the Center of the World.’ Since I know some Japanese words, I believe I fully understand how the story goes(I had subtitle too). The story is simple. Long story short, the high school boy and girl love each other. Then a girl get leukemia. She gets sick day by day then a boy struggles to watch her dying. This is topic. She always wanted to watch the sky of Australia so they decide to take airplane together to get there. In airport she falls down, so he holds her and says in tears, “Please save her.” There are many scenes of him crying through out whole episodes of this drama, but I couldn’t resist crying in this scene. This drama and his acting changed my thoughts about acting. The way he cries would not mean real because the actress is actually not dying. She is acting dying. But it was still real for him. He was really and truly crying in his face. I know he is acting but it didn’t matter. Since he showed this much, it didn’t matter. It was enough. He showed enough. It became real in my mind.

Maybe

I disappointed too many people. They gave me trust and love. I could not give them trust and love back. It was easy to make them start to love me. It was hard for me to love them back. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t confident. I could not devote myself to them. But my desire that I want to be loved never left me. I sometimes feel that no one has ever loved me from my childhood. I was afraid of me disappointing people. I was afraid of them betraying me. I was afraid that I might believe their lies. My voice got quieter and quieter. I just showed smiley face because I did not want to look like aggressive or indifferent person at least. I was scared to go deeper inside of their mind because it might make me important person to them. Someone told me that I should be more open-minded. Maybe I should have opened my mind.

Every day I think of her who I used to one-sided love when I was teenager. I barely talked with her in school. Once or twice. I just feel like I still love her. Or I might just want to believe I do. I might have loved her from there all my life. I want to believe that all the scattered and broken pieces will be put together if only I can feel true love. I’ve seen her many times only in my dreams. I want to meet her in real again. The time may come eventually. Until then, sadness is my best friend. Someone said sadness is only pure beautifulness. Maybe I just want to believe it.

Thoughts On Feelimn

I’m not center of Feelimn online gallery. I’m not an important part. Feelimn don’t exist without artists and their artworks. No one seems to be interested in Feelimn now. Artists might be truly busy to find job and money. Feelimn is online gallery where artists upload their artworks, and patrons support their art making monetarily. I created it for the artists. They don’t have to pay money to upload their artworks. I started this idea because I loved to feel emotions like everyone does. As I write down the emotional scenes that artists can refer to, I’m happy that I can be a center in my blog with my writings.

But I began to think I may be wrong. I’m not professional art dealer. I don’t know how artists think of online gallery. Artists would have their own reason to draw and paint. They need to earn money by selling their artworks. No one would want to draw for others for free. If I’m an artists, would I want to draw someone else’s world for him? I’m not sure. I don’t have money to commission them to draw what I want. My writings are abstract and specific at the same time. Who should artists draw from that situation? I think I’m requesting too much.

I love to write emotional moments and scenes. It is like short stories. I get out of my reality and go into imaginary situations. I should focus on people and situation to describe small details. I love to catch and write it down. It is sometimes personal or general, and sometimes it is my fantasy of wishes. Or it is regret and jealousy. I get the ideas from many things. As I make scene, I like to substitute girl in the situation wishing to attract her into my life. Also I like seeing the happenings such as behaviors, gestures, talking, looking, and facial expressions. After all, the facial expression is the key which is derived from powerful emotion. The situation that people would nod their heads because they get to understand the emotion itself. I don’t have many friends, so I don’t interact with people well. People could say that I have a problem in making relationship with them. So it might be the reason why I like to write these emotional moments which I can rarely find in real life.

As I keep writing and try harder, I’ve come to think of Feelimn more than before. I kind of lose the purpose or identity of why I do this since there are no artists who are willing to upload artworks in Feelimn. There are endless moments. I have a passion. But I’m not sure where I’m going. I won’t give up on writing. I think it will be just less frequent. I genuinely appreciate everyone who reads my posts. Thank you.

Feelimn First Scout

I sent invitation email to 500 artists in online. More precisely, they are illustrators and painters. I found them in Ello and Behance websites. These websites are artists network. About 10% of artists showed me positive responses that they will exhibit their artworks on Feelimn. They promised me but they disappeared. I cannot communicate with them anymore. About 2% blamed my email strategy and idea. It’s not a big number of responses but it actually hurts the most. About 10% asked me what the website is about. I replied them as best as I can with detailed explanation, but only 2 or 3 artists replied me back again. Rest is no reply. It seems artists receive a lot of emails like mine.

Among them, I had the longer conversation with Eric than any other artist. He is the first and only artist who exhibited his artworks in Feelimn. I really appreciate that he believed me. It really made me happy. You can see his artwork here. His style is very unique that makes you look into his works more carefully to get to know more about it. I wish more people could come to see his artworks.

There are emotion categories of joy, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, disgust, circumstantial, and a blend of 2 or more. I expect to see artworks of describing certain emotion. It can be any moment in the world. It’s hard for me to understand how artists create their artworks since I’m not an artist. So I may be requesting wrong thing. But I don’t give up finding artists. If you want to get to know more about Feelimn, please let me know.

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The Life of a Painter

There is a painter. He always loved painting from his childhood. When he became 20 years old, he told his father that he wanted to be a painter. His father opposed his decision, and did not try to listen to him. His father said if he wants to be a painter, he will have to leave the home. So he left. He could rent a small apartment with his savings. Then he doesn’t have any money. He started part-time jobs in restaurant and store to keep on painting. His passion never run away. He published his paintings, but no one cared in the beginning.

His first painting is submitted to auction house. Anonymous buyer bought his painting with $30,000. He was surprised and happy that someone recognized the value of his artworks. He wanted to know who the buyer is, but he could not find him. This was spread to all buyers and they got interested in his paintings. More people tried to buy his paintings as well believing it has something.

You Decide the Price of Artist’s Artworks

Why is art so expensive? Who decide the price? Art dealers? Gallery owners? Or Artists themselves? When we talk about artistic value, one piece of art could mean a lot to someone and nothing to others. The price of artworks not only get affected by artist’s reputation, but also size, condition, and prices of similar pieces. Importantly, supply and demand strictly apply in pricing. If the artists no longer live, value of scarcity rise higher. Buying art is now considered as an investment, instead of true passion for the art. Many physical galleries are closing because they can’t keep the finances sustainable. On the other hand, rich people increase the prices of artworks, pushing up few big galleries and few big auction houses. With this situation being made, young and potential artists do not get many opportunities to be seen.

Art industry has become a game only for rich people. I believe that artworks and professional artists should be valued with money. But it doesn’t have to be by buyers. Many growing artists want to showcase their artworks to reach out few buyers. However, if numerous number of patrons can build the value of artists’ price together, it will be a big impact that change art industry. What artworks deserve to be the highest price? The artworks containing real value will be newly recognized to the world. Artists can exhibit their artworks in Feelimn online gallery, and patrons can give patronages to the artworks. Find artworks that you love in each emotion categories. Feel the artworks artists captured in their adventures.

www.feelimn.com

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If you want to know more about Feelimn, contact me here: ray@feelimn.com

Patron

Patron is a person who gives financial support in activity. I acknowledge massive efforts of artists to create painting. They have a species of fear that their fates are in their own hands, but that their hands are weak. Making art reveals artists themselves in every work between what they think they should be, and what they fear they might be. If they even think artworks should be perfect, they won’t tolerate making mistakes which they become convinced that they cannot make perfect artwork. As mistakes go on, they will quit. Audiences enjoy the finished product, and they don’t have much interest in the process. Some artists can sell their artworks, but most artist can’t sell it. Numerous number of artists send their artworks to art agency to sell it. I wonder how many artworks will be chosen to get a chance to sell it.

Many young artists are striving to find the way to earn money with their skills. I want to give artists the chance to find a patron who financially support their art making in Feelimn online gallery. Artists should be a hunter to find the subject to give the entertaining inspiration to their patrons. As time goes by, more people will contribute to building value of artworks with patronages. Artists will create artworks that deserve to be recognized by the world. People will decide it. Patrons can leave their name on each artwork’s rank of patronage. Rich people might give big patronage on artwork if they believe it deserves it, or for a reason. Will you be an artist, painter, illustrator who patrons are proud of you?

Feelimn

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