I’m sprinting for 30 seconds for 5 sets. I shouldn’t stop before I reach 30 seconds no matter what. I sprint as fast as I can for the 5th set. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. All I care is breathing. I sit. Then I need to walk. I can’t think. But I’m thinking something. The regrets. Annoying regrets make me anxious. Why. What do I want to say? Someday, one of us will die. I want to love that I don’t regret when I look back our past. I want to give you love as much as I can so that we don’t regret when one of us leave this world.
My eyes are dazzled by the bright sun so I just fall asleep. Rain pours from the sky in a sudden. How long should I wait more? When waiting gets easier someday, smiling to my scars wouldn’t be that hard. You remain in my reminiscence who were next to me when I was walking somewhere alone. I feel that I can see you in the dim of bright light from my closed eyes.
I use half of my day thinking of you to write a letter. However, I’m tired and dull unlike my first look of loving you. As I wait for your reply that doesn’t arrive anymore, I write my wandering sadness that I cannot send. I will get close to you after I convey what I could not tell you before. Will you recognize me? I keep you in my heart who told me you will see me someday.
I should have never said that I like you. Everything ended between you and me in that terrible timing. I was not being honest to myself. I was not prepared. The fear of facing my genuine emotion toward your appearance was bigger than seeing myself lying to someone who just doesn’t want to be lonely. It’s gone bad. Then I put myself into the position that you can easily use me whenever I’m around you. You knew I liked you. I just didn’t want to see you in someone else’s arms. It was worse than hell. When I left you, I had a hard time for 3 years trying to forget you. I hate you. Now, it is all behind us. Time passed us. I sometimes miss you. The countless number of men who have been reflected in your wet and transparent eyes would be laughing at me. Will I be able to meet you again before I die? If I truly long for you, will I meet you again someday like one of those movie scenes? I hope you love me in next life.
Your look on your face is too cold that my heart froze. I can’t stand myself because I’m nothing. If the qualifications are required to love someone who is beautiful like you, I can understand it. I think I know what my problem is. I won’t be able to hold your hand when we walk together. I can’t do anything great. I love you so much and I want you so much. But I can only love like this. I don’t understand myself. I’m always looking at only you. Could you look at me and love me, just once, like I do?
It’s late in the night again. I can’t sleep. I feel my trembling heart that doesn’t know where to go. I can’t calm myself down. I don’t know what to do at this time. Will someone hold my heart for me? Is there unchanging love in this era? When will I know the meaning of life? I feel that everyone is staying far away from me. I cannot go close to them. The time will stop when I can live inside of eternity.
He walks by the town where she lives. He thinks of her. He picks up his phone and put it on his ear. He says, “I think I like you. I think of you everyday. I want to see you. I can be a good man to you.”
He puts down his phone and thinks, “I’m so silly. I don’t even have a gut to confess to her. Will she know how I think of her? If I become a better man, will she love me then?’
She says, “You don’t have girlfriend yet? I have a boyfriend though. Have you ever worked part-time job before?
He says, “Uhh no.”
She says, “I’m sure you can find girls from the workplace. I met him in the same workplace too. Almost all of my friends found their boyfriends in the workplace. Even small restaurants are fine.”
He asks, “How long have you been with him?”
She replies, “It’s been around 7 months.”
It’s raining outside. We listen to the sound of rain coming from the window. You are standing far away from me. You are staring at me. I remember how you were pretty in my eyes. I can’t look back at you like I did before. Your voice that I loved vanish into the rain. I will disappear from your teary eyes. I wish I could come close to you like I used to hug you tight. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t go close to you. Although I loved you so much, only thing I can do now is looking at you from here. There is nothing left to say. All the memories we had would make me miss you. I will not forget them. I won’t be here with you when you are lonely. I can’t help leaving you. I loved you.
He says, “I found you. I’ve been looking for you whole day. They are waiting for us. Let’s go.” He grabs her hand.
She thinks, ‘His hand is warm. The way he holds my hand seems familiar as if someone I know well is holding my hand. I can only feel his hand and my hearbeat. My heart is beating so fast. Who is this guy? How can he touch my hand so naturally?’
Please don’t leave me. The night without you is too lonely and sad for me. You know it better than me. Please don’t say anything. I can’t believe that you are leaving me because you love me. Why should you leave if you still love me? I still have many things to tell you. If you still need to go, I will not say anything. What can someone like me who is weak do without you? You were my everything. However I feel sad, I know I can’t change your mind.