Taking A Break

Hi. I’m Feelimn Hunter. My name is Ray. I’m taking a break from posting emotional scenes because I’m going to army basic training in July 31st. In fact, I was supposed to go to basic training 2 years ago, but army enhanced background investigation so my ship date has been delayed until now. I will not talk about my situation specifically because it’s quite complicated story. The time has finally come to me. There won’t be a new post from me for a while. I have been posting feelings, emotions, and scenes almost everyday for around 8 months. It was usually one post per day. While I was waiting for my army investigation to be over for 2 years, I spent first one year thinking and making my first art website. You can visit here feelimn. Then, I decided to write subjects for painters which turned out as emotional scenes that I’ve been writing everyday in here WordPress blog. Therefore, emotional scenes were my posts. But soon I became skeptical.

You can read here how my thoughts on feelimn art website changed. The idea of categorizing basic emotions of Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, Disgust, Surprise, Circumstantial, and A blend of 2 or more was not convincing to artists. As I keep writing emotional scenes in my mind, I found that I was expecting too much from artists. Making a playground for artists was my vague goal. It was frustrating to realize that I was having a vain purpose. However, I did not stop writing emotional scenes since then. It was fun to create images with words. I started to like writing them. They consist of my imaginations, experiences, dreams, and wishful thoughts of fantasy. Finding a certain emotion gave me a huge pleasure although some could be seen important to only my eyes. At first, they were just 1 or 2 sentences. For example, it was like she is saying, “I believe your love won’t leave me. You are not lying to me.” I thought this would be something any man would want to hear from his girl, which I actually wanted to hear from a girl seeing her sincere face. I was desperate for love. I promised to myself that I will write one scene per day. I mostly kept the promise. Recently, I could not keep my promise because it was hard to focus on describing emotions due to my concern of entering basic training.

I prefer simple, honest, and direct writings than symbols and metaphors. They are relatable and understandable, so I simply used he and she as subject. It is something readers can relate them to their lives. It’s because I wanted real and raw feelings that we easily encounter. Even though it looks timid, it should be realistic. My style is usually male first-person narrator’s point of view and sometimes omniscient point of view. My scenes are little bit far from poem. I like writing sadness. I love when there is sad vibe in the scene. Thus, it is usually conclusive. It feels more genuine to me. Each post has different short story. I didn’t mean to write about love a lot, but I found that my writings were usually about love. There are also other scenes that are not about love though. When some ideas come to my head, I judge them if it’s worth writing at least one sentence. I’m sure most of my posts’ emotional scenes I caught are worth feeling actively imagining facial expressions that stimulate our feelings. There are some scenes that I enjoy reading over and over again. It is hard to look into my certain emotion in my heart that hurts me, but I like some of the posts derived from that pain. My first post that I was proud of myself was Everything. This is the moment of having first sex with a girlfriend and the flowing real, twisted, and sad emotions in his mind. It is not my experience but imagination. I just liked the emotion in this scene so much.

At some point, I started to write longer than 1 or 2 sentences. I wanted to write more of scenes like Everything. My everyday writing became my work and practice. I considered writing scenes as a way to improve myself and find the value of life. It seemed they are for something. I wasn’t sure where I was heading, and I’m still not sure where I’m at with my scenes. How many more do I want to write? I wonder if I could write a long novel, manuscript, screenplay, or scenario to make them into footage. These are too short that it even feels like a shame sometimes. Here are some of my favorite scene lists.

The Funniest Part in Baseball Match
Meet Her in a Dream
Bullies Get Owned
At The End
When Do We Meet Again?
Her Reason
Loneliness
Friend
Please
Younger Brother
Dusk
When He Loved Me
I Loved You
Just Once
First Love
Resignation
Love Alone
Choices
Catch
Cool Down
First Date
Rupture
Girl
Angel
Missing
Spoil

No need to read all the scenes I listed here. I’ve been thinking about extending some of these scenes to longer stories. However, I’m not sure if I will keep writing the scenes on and on. After I finish my basic training, I would have to choose my career path because I’m planning to go back to university that I left absence behind 2 years ago. When I look back my experience as a blogger in this community, I’m so glad that I began writing. It was fun. I’ve found many talented and passionate writers. I should have interacted with more people engaging on their posts and praising their creativity that deserve recognition. Silly me, I couldn’t afford to do it. The person who digs the sadness and loneliness can’t find the space in heart to express and deeply love someone else. I love writing but it doesn’t give me money. Going to basic training makes me happy and sad at the same time. I wish I could come back with more ideas. It was very pleasant to know that there were few people at least who were reading my posts. I always appreciate everyone and you for reading my writing.

Spoil

Her purity and innocence break down. Her eyes are barely opened above her blushed cheeks. The reddish heat paint her blankly frowned face and clean white body. She feels his vigorous sight. Slightly opened mouth makes short and high pitched sound of crying repeatedly. She cannot resist herself anymore although she is thinking of going back to where everything was under her control. Both yes and no happen to her mind simultaneously which make her say yes and no frequently. She puts her left hand in front of her mouth unconsciously. The sweat on her temple and her panting show how hard she tried to please herself. Her hands naturally arrive to his thighs and arms. She promptly reacts to his every forceful but sweet words with submissive smile. She is not as same as the girl when he met for the first time. Everything of her purpose changed in 30 minutes that give him a feeling of dominance and triumph. She doesn’t look the same.

Missing

I miss you. Are we done? Did you really leave me? You don’t reply to my email anymore. I couldn’t live my life because I couldn’t forget you. Please don’t be disappointed to my foolish appearance. Every day in my life is meaningless without you. I can’t pass my day without tears. But are you really okay without me? Are you crying in someone else’s arms? Today, I found your cold medicine you left in my home. You used to catch a cold when the weather gets chilly. I’m worried about you, and I cannot stop thinking of you. My heart might explode now. I miss you so much. Don’t cry in anyone’s arms anymore. I will come for you.

Angel

You are an angel. The angel who is looking at my eyes of shame and saying it’s fine, is you. Do I deserve to be with an angel who hugs and soothes me with angelic smile on face? My firmly closed heart even impresses me. However, have I ever relied on someone like this before? I can’t take my eyes off you because I have to see your smile. It seems I can feel your smile. There won’t be a woman like you in the world. No, never. It’s because I have lived my whole life for this moment to be with you. Your beautiful and warm heart was waiting to be found. It took quite a long time for me to finally see you. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for believing me. I will protect your world forever.

Straight

He said, “I need to tell you something. You are so pretty. I want to spend the night with you. I know you are not like other girls. You are different and special. I have never said this to any other girls, but I want to have sex with you.”

She froze.

He grabbed her hand and said, “Let’s go.”

She follows him.

Girl

A shy but smart and dedicated little engineering girl. I like your smile and tail-colored hair. But your eyes are unforgettable. The sincerity of your words and considerate manner of your obscured pretending touch my heart and remain in it for a long time. If only I could be that person to someone. My apathy. My awkwardness that I have been living with. My old wish. The place that I have left open. Refreshing rain pouring on my dried heart by the cloud in hot summer sky. I want to become everything in the world for you. Just being with you like today is a huge pleasure that I can’t express. I wonder if you know that. We are young, but are we running out of time. We are slowly opening heart to each other. Our story is not over yet. Sad things look beautiful. In this endless meeting of people, madly I ended up meeting you in this foreign land. Let’s go on a journey to the star of splendor.

Rupture

“I can give up everything if I can meet her again. I give up my everything.”

He asked, “You don’t know if she will love you back. Is it still fine for you?”

“It’s fine. I just want to say what I should have said before. I have regretted so much for not telling her. I need to tell her that I love her. It doesn’t matter even though she doesn’t love me.”

He said with serene grin on his shadowy face, “I will send you where she is.”

After a blink of eyes, he was in somewhere he doesn’t recognize anything around him. Then he found her standing on the street. She seemed to be looking for something. And she checked her phone. He rushed to her with his eyes fixed on her. When she found him rushing to her, she flinched little. He stopped in front of her panting hard. She looked at him with surprise. He barely opened his mouth.

“Hi it’s me, Ray. I wanted to tell you something.” His voice is now confident with a strong conviction. He was feeling himself that he was getting more desperate to tell her what he wanted to say. He was still breathing a bit due to rush.

“I love you. I love you with all my heart.”

He felt relief.

First Date

She said see you later and have a good day. They both waved their hands to each other. She walks away. He stands still and watches her leave. Turn around and look at me. Turn around. Turn around. He keeps saying it. But she doesn’t turn around. She keeps walking. Maybe she is not interested in me. He thinks. He walks away.

Cool Down

It’s rainy night on the street. The music sound from somewhere. No more white shining smile of you. Rain erase our memory of all love. Although time passed, I hate to show my loneliness which is still with me. As I stand alone on this dark street, I look at the emptiness of your figure of my own world. The reflection of my shabby shape on the glass. I think of the love again that we couldn’t achieve. The blurred vision in my eyes by the rain. The fog surrounding your cold smile. I’d like to forget you when this night pass.