Guilt

When I was 13 years old, I used to text with a girl who was my friend’s ex-girlfriend. I used my folder phone to send messages back and forth. I don’t remember how I got her number. I probably got it from my another friend’s phone book. I don’t know why I got interested in her, and I remember introducing myself to her as his ex-boyfriend’s friend. She was going to different school. I saw her face only once at a glance in a picture so I didn’t know how she looked like. We kinda flirted in that age level everyday for few months. We were open to each other as we were getting to know each other’s different gender. I don’t remember what I told her and what she told me, but the feeling of that time is still remained in me. Every message was naive and pure. I once asked her to send me her face of photo and she did. Her face on a photo was half-blocked by her phone taken in the bathroom with the cute pink hood sweatshirt. I was really immersed into her whether she is pretty or not. I really wanted to meet her outside of text message. My genuine and pure curiosity toward a girl was developing in that age, actively dreaming of love in every night in my days. It was not even about having a sex. My heart got touched by something whenever I thought of her. As I look back now, the moment every boy experience in that age was happening to me with her. Then the tragedy happened.

I accidentally dropped my phone into the toilet. I think I slipped the phone after washing my hands or face. I promptly took the phone out of it with sinking feeling but it was too late. It seemed everything was over when I dropped it in water. My phone was not turning on and responding at all. I tried to dry my phone with hair dryer and it didn’t help either. I could not talk to her. I did not memorize her number. There was no other way to contact her without my phone. Since the phone is just broken, I couldn’t pull out any phone number or photos from it. They said it would cost more money to fix the phone so it would be better to just buy a new phone. And I even had to change my number to buy the new phone cheaply because it was my fault to drop the phone into toilet. Maybe I was not thinking well enough. I couldn’t insist on keeping the number, and maybe I wasn’t sure if she was gonna text me back. I wanted to talk to her again but it was just the way it was. I couldn’t reach her. I didn’t know where she was living. I didn’t do anything particular to find her honestly. It might be because I did not want to meet her that enough. Or I was too young to acknowledge and express what my mind say to me. I don’t know why I did not try to find her number. It was my friend’s ex-girlfriend after all. I think I just spent my days in a dull state. I don’t have a memory how I was after that. I’m the person who just disappeared and ran away from her point of view.

I probably had a fear understanding my emotional state. It was probably a good timing to just run away from her which was everything I loved and feared. I believe I liked texting, and I was quite good at flirting through texting messages with girls before I started to talk to her. I can’t talk to girls through text messages anymore. Now, I don’t know what to say and I worry about everything. The guilt I have toward spectral figure of her in the photo she sent me put my pounding heart on the brake every time I see another girl in my phone.

Meeting

It is coming close to him. He has been waiting for that meeting with both expectation and anxiety for years. The question which was never answered started to crawl to his skin again. Is he prepared for it? He can’t remember when was the last time he thought of that question. I don’t know, he thought. He has been trying a bit, probably some more, on his own, but he isn’t sure if he can do it well. He tells himself that he should stay positive. He can give up everything to make that meeting right. Even the food or water could be given up now and then. There is no going back for him. Trying to remember when he was running gave him a lesson that he can rely on. Just few more steps and steps to go above the limit to make running better could be applied to this matter as well. He decided to stay patient thinking of the meeting only until it finally arrive to him.

Heaviness

She doesn’t act cute, but she is always cute when there is even no sign of emotion on her face. The cute and small girls seem to belong to another creature. She was like a smoke. It looks like she is there so I stretch my hand to touch it but it is not there. There is nothing. It is hard to figure out what she really is. A liar or a monster would be the words to describe her. My heart gets heavy just by thinking of her. When I happen to talk about her, I become a burden to myself. I make myself tired. I’ve been trying to forget her for way too long time. I’ve been suffering from her traces left on my eyes of view top side. I tortured myself. It feels to me that I can still see her. Just a feeling. Her voice would reach me in a blink of eyes. I used to find myself lying on my bed every night, hugging her figure which is non-existent, waiting for the phone to ring. But now I know how to stop myself right before where I feel myself heavy.

Hobbies

It’s always the same. These two different hobbies I get interested in always turn out the same later. I mean the results of feeling. They look intriguing and attractive at first. I’m curious how they will go and how they will stimulate my nerves. I sometimes rush too fast, so I miss out some important parts. I should focus on reading the details they suggest. I forget how much time I’m spending on them. When certain amounts of time pass, I start to lose interest in them. It was fearful journey but I’m glad I could see myself going through the fear on my own to reach some points in exploration. Sometimes I can’t finish till the end. When I decide to move on, I can’t wait to see how interesting next issue will be. I think I can forget everything about them at once and move on to next one. Then I remember that I always forget it is not how they work. But I will never be able to stop my hobbies.

Catch

I can’t catch you. You are too fast. You make me want to catch you. Then you run away from me again. You laugh at me. I just want to be with you… I will just stand here to pretend I don’t care catching you. I really want to go follow you again but I try to be patient. How will you react? I’m worried that you might just leave. But I’m surprised that you come close to me. The girl who was running like a bunny is now standing next to me. I slowly stretch my arm to catch you. Your shoulder is soft and warm. You are not looking at me, but I know you are feeling me too. I caught you, so you are mine now.

Choices

He hugged her from behind. She was looking outside through the transparent glass. He looked at her slightly blushed left face.

“You’re so cute,” said the man.

She smiled shyly. Then she opened the door and went outside. He followed her, but she was gone. The ground is sandy. There were stairs to underground place in front of him. The sky was bright but where he stood was shadowy because of small old houses surrounding him. He took a path to the stairs. As he reached the underground after walking down a long and dark round stair, his phone rang. He picked up the phone. It was her.

“I’m on the ground. Come and see me,” she said.

“Okay. I will be there.”

He hung up the phone. Another stair was in front of him. When he took a first step on stairs, something flashed through his mind. It wasn’t a voice. He did not understand where it was coming from. It gave him two options and he felt that he had to make a choice between them. First one was that he cannot have sex with her, but he can be with her and protect her forever. The second option was that he can have sex with her, but she can have sex with all other men too.

Laugh

He says, “You can just say hi or how are you to girls and go. You can do it to any girls wherever you are at. You don’t have to go out with them. Just say hi. Tell them you are beautiful, I like your clothes. Then you can make girls laugh. If you can make them laugh, they will like you. It’s that simple and easy.”

Love Alone

The way you look at me is so lovely. What you say has love for me. It’s the real love. It’s unmistakable. I don’t need to ask you if you love me. The way we joke and laugh together is natural. I never thought we were this close. It is like we have been together forever. Whatever I do, I know you will understand me. Can I be happy this much?

I wake up lying in my bed alone. I’m disenchanted. But I’m glad that I could love with you in my life.

Self-regard

I’m quiet, selfish, and dangerous. Where were you? I can’t find you. I’m telling you because you are leaving, but you should not say everything you want to say. What I hate the most is something that will never happen. You can. You will have to look back why you decided to do this later.

Leader

I don’t even know why I play with you. You are so annoying and toxic sometimes. I’m not sure if you are an idiot who thinks you are smarter than everyone. You don’t respect me, and you ignore me. You may say you don’t ignore me. But I can’t stand your arrogance anymore. I’m not your servant or subordinate who should follow everything you say. I want to raise my voice because I have my opinions too. I know you want to play leader among us but there is no leader if I just leave you. I said that I won’t be available next time to test you. You asked what time I would be available and you can delay or adjust time to later. It makes me feel a bit you care me. I’ll probably give you one more chance. I will see how you do to me. Don’t forget that I’m the last person who would still stay with you.