I’m not a perfect person. I can’t be the person you want me to be. You know it. Please stop this. Look at my face. I’m just a lonely person like others. I’m not your such thing as destiny.
I wanted to reset my life. I believed I can just cleanse the past painful memory. I wanted to abandon everything and restart my life. I did it. But what I abandoned was the bond. I cut out the connection with people who I should appreciate them. I should have stood in pain until it pass, but I ran away from everyone.
A man who is almost 50 years old found his ideal type of woman at mart. She is standing near entrance door. She is wearing a black beret and round glassses that fit well with her big round eyes. Without even noticing himself, he is standing in front of her. She found him. She grins little bit. He tries to keep calm. He says, “You are my type. I couldn’t just pass you by. Can I buy you a coffee?”
She takes off her beret and glasses, and she replies with smile, “I’m younger than I look like.”
Once my dream was becoming a movie director. My dad used to bring Hollywood movie dvd CD home in every weekend, and my family watched the movie together at night. I just told everyone that I will become a movie director someday. Movie was simply just my favorite thing in my life. One day, I felt movie is fake. It was not real. It sometimes ends too happily. It sometimes doesn’t end well. Regardless of how movie ends, it started to look like actors and actresses are lying. Movie was not realistic to me. Not a single movie gave me a hope to live better than yesterday. That was not how it worked to me. I watched a lot of movies. I couldn’t get into main character’s situation. I couldn’t enjoy movie itself. I don’t care what message the movie wants to deliver. I might think of the topic after finishing movie. The real life was different from movie. The real life is real. I would say that feeling is more related to our survival instinct. I wanted stronger feeling and emotion. It shouldn’t be a fake one. It shouldn’t be an acting. I can’t let myself feel the emotion that I don’t care anymore. And I’m too lazy. This is why I hope painters draw the facial expressions of real life people in his eyes. It’s because I can believe that they are real without a doubt. I don’t want to be deceived. Who would want to be deceived by paying money?
Then I watched a Japanese drama that someone recommended to me. It is old drama which was released in 2004. It’s called ‘Crying Out Love, in the Center of the World.’ Since I know some Japanese words, I believe I fully understand how the story goes(I had subtitle too). The story is simple. Long story short, the high school boy and girl love each other. Then a girl get leukemia. She gets sick day by day then a boy struggles to watch her dying. This is topic. She always wanted to watch the sky of Australia so they decide to take airplane together to get there. In airport she falls down, so he holds her and says in tears, “Please save her.” There are many scenes of him crying through out whole episodes of this drama, but I couldn’t resist crying in this scene. This drama and his acting changed my thoughts about acting. The way he cries would not mean real because the actress is actually not dying. She is acting dying. But it was still real for him. He was really and truly crying in his face. I know he is acting but it didn’t matter. Since he showed this much, it didn’t matter. It was enough. He showed enough. It became real in my mind.
He wakes up to the sound of morning. He finds her sleeping in his arm. He smiles and covers her shoulder with his arm.
His younger brother got gun shot in his gut. He is hurriedly driving car to find the nearest hospital in downtown. He found random small hospital so he stopped the car. He started to run toward hospital holding his brother. Younger brother is struggling and his face is pale. He is bleeding a lot.
He couldn’t check what hospital’s profession is. He just holds his brother and goes upstairs to the hospital door. Then he goes to front desk. He says, “He’s dying! Please. He’s dying.” The woman points to room number 11111. As he reach there, a man came out of room with moving bed. He put his younger brother on the bed and follow inside the room. There is another man preparing for operation. They check his younger brother without any word. He sobs covering his face with his hands. He slowly step back out of room.
He speaks. She smiles and laughs. He gets animated.
‘I was born for this moment.’
She called him.
She says, “You are drunk again tonight. We promised that you don’t drink often anymore. Since you broke our promise again, I think we might have to consider our relationship.”
He cries like baby, “W.. what? How can we break upppp?”
I disappointed too many people. They gave me trust and love. I could not give them trust and love back. It was easy to make them start to love me. It was hard for me to love them back. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t confident. I could not devote myself to them. But my desire that I want to be loved never left me. I sometimes feel that no one has ever loved me from my childhood. I was afraid of me disappointing people. I was afraid of them betraying me. I was afraid that I might believe their lies. My voice got quieter and quieter. I just showed smiley face because I did not want to look like aggressive or indifferent person at least. I was scared to go deeper inside of their mind because it might make me important person to them. Someone told me that I should be more open-minded. Maybe I should have opened my mind.
Every day I think of her who I used to one-sided love when I was teenager. I barely talked with her in school. Once or twice. I just feel like I still love her. Or I might just want to believe I do. I might have loved her from there all my life. I want to believe that all the scattered and broken pieces will be put together if only I can feel true love. I’ve seen her many times only in my dreams. I want to meet her in real again. The time may come eventually. Until then, sadness is my best friend. Someone said sadness is only pure beautifulness. Maybe I just want to believe it.