You

The people look for the eternity. They try to own it forever. Their words and behaviors draw eternity.

Nothing lasts forever.

However, I don’t know if their desires are meaningless and if it is bad.

I inevitably look for someone similar to you. I’m afraid of looking for the past you. I’m afraid of present you. I’m afraid of admitting the fact that I cannot make you mine forever. I’m afraid of the reality I cannot return to that moment. I’m afraid of bygone days, this world, and people. You may already know that I’m afraid of everything. You know I’m not a confident one. But you will not know that I don’t care.

I don’t have a power. Likewise, I don’t even have a energy to compromise with world little by little. I don’t rely on luck. However, I want to believe that someone will change me. That someone is close to me. I believe that someone will come close to whisper the promises. Although even that promises are not eternal also, I will throw myself as I’m told to do because I’m afraid of you and everything.

Past Life

I’ve got this strange feeling. I can’t ignore it. This must be the memory from my past life. I’m missing somebody. I’m caring somebody so much. It came to me when nothing is going on in my life. I can’t recall the dream when I wake up. I lose too much fragments. How do I know this feeling when I don’t feel this at all in reality? I’m trying my best to remember it. This is important to me. Who is this I am missing? I am afraid of forgetting this person but it won’t be forgotten. This love has been with me for a long long time. It must be love of my life. I can only meet them in a dream. It’s because it is in a dream. Maybe it’s because I miss them so much. I keep thinking of them.

But you are gone

My friend

But you are gone

I don’t want to be alone again

Among these fond lovers

I should have turned around before you recognize me in that snowy night

The guy who invited me to dinner

The look on your face holding small box on your hand waiting for me in front of my home

The secret only sky knew

My pouring tears

Could you tell me once that you loved me too before you leave me?

Beautifully white street and carol song

For love

My friend

Promise me

Although you will never be able to love me again

Not to make me cry again

I don’t want to be alone

But you are gone

Sad Fate

The girl who giggles as I come in. Time is too short. But I fell in love. I want to know you. Your laugh mingles with my silly joke. The young girl who Laughs like an old woman. I don’t even know your name yet.

Look at me and open your eyes. I want to know everything about you. But I don’t know what to ask. Time is too short. I want to remember you. I will remember you. I wish the tip of my fingers remember your skin. Nothing is permanent, even you.

I don’t have a power to save you. I hate myself. I don’t know what I can do for you. This should be the end, says another part of my life. Run away. Stop it while you can. Everything was wrong from the beginning. The tricks and me. We all shall be forgotten.

I’m Back

Hi. How are you doing? I graduated army basic training and advanced individual training few weeks ago. Each was 9 weeks. It sucked. I was always sleepy and tired with so much stress. I will never go back.

When I was in field training in basic training, I read the scribbling from public field latrine. It said, the basic training worths going through one time in a life. That remained in my head, so I just endured it and finally met the end. It is hard time that I don’t even wanna remember anymore.

When I look back my writings of 8 momths, it’s obvious that I was in a sadness for a long time. It’s the sadness about love. I was soaked into my world. I loved inside my world. I loved the women there. I made up a lot of women based on the past memory. It seems the built world has some sort of sadness as well as hapiness. The sad part was always sweet although it starts to hurt when it exceed the certain point. I wasn’t brave enough to open my heart to real people and girls. As I meet more people, I get to know the real girls too. I noticed the girls have thier own worlds. I knew they have it but I truly felt it this time. Their worlds are much stronger than mine. It’s more defensive. It’s surrounded by the thick and high walls. I peeked through the wall crack. It feels more sad than mine although both basic structures are different. It may be because they feel more anxiety and fear.

My sadness doesn’t feel that big compare to them. It feels as if I just have to suck it up. I don’t have much experience with the girls. Those girls I was with used to swim in my head with sorrow. Nowadays, I don’t want to jump into that water to swim with them anymore. Where am I thinking now? I wonder what I wished for and why I struggled by missing and wishing them.

I’m changing little by little. I learn those lessons slow which most people learn them naturally and quickly. Now I have works to do. I will write some more poems probably. I hope it is healthier than what I used to write. Maybe it is less sad than before.

Spoil

Her purity and innocence break down. Her eyes are barely opened above her blushed cheeks. The reddish heat paint her blankly frowned face and clean white body. She feels his vigorous sight. Slightly opened mouth makes short and high pitched sound of crying repeatedly. She cannot resist herself anymore although she is thinking of going back to where everything was under her control. Both yes and no happen to her mind simultaneously which make her say yes and no frequently. She puts her left hand in front of her mouth unconsciously. The sweat on her temple and her panting show how hard she tried to please herself. Her hands naturally arrive to his thighs and arms. She promptly reacts to his every forceful but sweet words with submissive smile. She is not as same as the girl when he met for the first time. Everything of her purpose changed in 30 minutes that give him a feeling of dominance and triumph. She doesn’t look the same.

Missing

I miss you. Are we done? Did you really leave me? You don’t reply to my email anymore. I couldn’t live my life because I couldn’t forget you. Please don’t be disappointed to my foolish appearance. Every day in my life is meaningless without you. I can’t pass my day without tears. But are you really okay without me? Are you crying in someone else’s arms? Today, I found your cold medicine you left in my home. You used to catch a cold when the weather gets chilly. I’m worried about you, and I cannot stop thinking of you. My heart might explode now. I miss you so much. Don’t cry in anyone’s arms anymore. I will come for you.