You didn’t seem reluctant when I went closer to you. You were slowly accepting me step by step. At least, I felt in that way. I’ve had imagined that moment endless times. You were pretty when you hesitate to show your everything. You tried to hide it at first but I knew you were gonna open your heart to me. When you finally showed me your everything, I thought of someone else. I thought of her and her boyfriend. I knew I would feel sad but I couldn’t help thinking of her. It made me more sad but at the same time I was enjoying myself. I looked at your face. You were looking through me with scared face. You sometimes just closed your eyes. You tried to smile at me but your face got serious again and again. I couldn’t think of her anymore. I was only looking at you.
I always wanted to be with her. She was looking at me in my dream last night. I couldn’t be brave to forget her. I trace my memory. Her every little movements are shortened. She is getting blurry. It is slowly fading away from memory. My figure that was only looking at you will soon naturally disappear like I forget my dream tomorrow.
I knew he loved me. I don’t know why he loved me. But I knew he would do anything for me. He only followed me. I liked how he was looking at me with his big eyes when I easily got mad at him. I irritated him. He didn’t know what to do when I was like that. I used his love to make him do as I said. I thought he will always love me.
He listened to me a lot. He tried to say something but he was too clumsy to express himself so I ignored him. I didn’t let him speak. I wanted him to only listen to me. I made him fool although he is not fool. I played with him often. He asked me to play together very often. He thought that I love him when I played with him happily. That would be the biggest reason he loved me. He needed protective love at his age.
I started to think he is too bright for me. I couldn’t handle him anymore. He sometimes got out of my hands. I think he loved me too much because he always sincerely fought me back on his way when I tried to control and refrain him. He reacted to me like it is the most important thing to him. Then it was easy for me to find how to hurt him. I decided to not play with him. I couldn’t enjoy playing with him. It started to get boring. I avoided him and I ignored him over and over again. He would have felt sadness and fear that I don’t love him anymore. He would have hated me as much as he loved me once. So he went to his friends. He made quite many friends. He wanted to be loved. He did the same to them as he did to me. He listened to them and he reacted to them. He believed that they will play with him if he keeps following them.
The person he loved did not love him back. He became insecure and unstable. He needed to find his figure and identity from others. He had to please others. He looked like a good person because he was quiet and he said yes all the time. He became very quiet. His voice became low. He was in fear. He wasted a lot of time to please others. After all he couldn’t have time to concern his own mind, school works, and all other interesting things. He didn’t find me when he was having a hard time. He and I never talked to each other anymore.
I thought he will come back to me someday. But he never came back. I thought we will talk together someday. But he left me. He might have found someone else replacing me. So I just left him too. We didn’t promise to see each other again. We were probably thinking each other that we hid deep inside of our minds. But we couldn’t find a way to get it out of our minds.
Time flew. Now I think that I loved him at that time. Thoe memories back in the day hurt me. Pain of regrets never get old. I think that I deserve to suffer because I hurted his heart too much. I don’t know how to beg for his forgiveness. I don’t think I should do it for myself to feel better. I don’t want to hurt him ever again. I know he cannot love me again like he used to love me. I still remember his love from long time ago. I don’t want him to do anything for me. I just want to see him again. That is all I want.
He is waiting at the airport gate 71A. The boarding time is up but staff announces that entering will be delayed because of maintenance. After 10 minutes, the staff announces good news that they are ready. He enters into airplane, and he takes sleeping pill as soon as he takes a sit. Then he listen to music that he has memory with her. The one song is set to play over and over. Tears fall from his closed eyes. After 1 hour, the airplane starts to shake. The airplane falls and crash. After a short moment of bright light and deafening sound, he is standing in front of her of the past at that time.
I’m not sure if we are just friend or what. The way you look at me confuses me. Please tell me. What are we?
I’m not a perfect person. I can’t be the person you want me to be. You know it. Please stop this. Look at my face. I’m just a lonely person like others. I’m not your such thing as destiny.
He wakes up to the sound of morning. He finds her sleeping in his arm. He smiles and covers her shoulder with his arm.
She called him.
She says, “You are drunk again tonight. We promised that you don’t drink often anymore. Since you broke our promise again, I think we might have to consider our relationship.”
He cries like baby, “W.. what? How can we break upppp?”
I disappointed too many people. They gave me trust and love. I could not give them trust and love back. It was easy to make them start to love me. It was hard for me to love them back. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t confident. I could not devote myself to them. But my desire that I want to be loved never left me. I sometimes feel that no one has ever loved me from my childhood. I was afraid of me disappointing people. I was afraid of them betraying me. I was afraid that I might believe their lies. My voice got quieter and quieter. I just showed smiley face because I did not want to look like aggressive or indifferent person at least. I was scared to go deeper inside of their mind because it might make me important person to them. Someone told me that I should be more open-minded. Maybe I should have opened my mind.
Every day I think of her who I used to one-sided love when I was teenager. I barely talked with her in school. Once or twice. I just feel like I still love her. Or I might just want to believe I do. I might have loved her from there all my life. I want to believe that all the scattered and broken pieces will be put together if only I can feel true love. I’ve seen her many times only in my dreams. I want to meet her in real again. The time may come eventually. Until then, sadness is my best friend. Someone said sadness is only pure beautifulness. Maybe I just want to believe it.
She will give me the look that she has never given to other guys. She will talk to me in a cute voice that she has never talked to others. She will give me kiss that she has never given to other guys who were with her. She will love me as much as she has hurt me.